ASU comp instructors' comments on "DRY COUNTY OR A WET ONE?"
Instructors pointed out some good characteristics:
1. The opener ("Why is Craighead County dry?") is a good attention
getter.
2. The fourth paragraph wisely acknowledges the opposition views (as it attempts
to refute them).
3. The writer has an interesting, if not particularly original, topic.
4. The writer generally keeps the reader interested throughout.
Instructors suggested room for improvement, including the
following:
1. The title of the paper doesn't need to be in caps.
2. Second sentence: the transition of "the main one is back in the . .
." is ungrammatical.
3. In the third sentence, there should be a comma
after "and" to indicate a compound sentence.
4. Also in the third sentence, the comma after "vote" creates a comma
splice. There are two other comma splices, one in parag. 4, sent. 2 following
"however" and the other in the next to last sentence in the next to
last parag. ("drinking, I could").
5. The second person "you" in parag. 4 is a bit bothersome; this
directive is not warranted and comes across as "preachy."
6. One instructor challenges the reasoning of the last of parag. 1, noting that
the county has had other votes since WW II and the results are always the same.
7. An instructor suggests that the writer "explain more clearly
the positions of both sides."
8. Another instructor notes that the paragraphs are "disjointed" and
points out some wrong and/or vague words and phrases (should be
"number" and not "amount of minors"; unclear to whom
"we" refers in last of parag. 1; etc.)
Conclusion:
This paper has some good features--a decent topic, a sense of the opposition, a
rather lively, interesting (if not completely thorough or accurate) approach to
the history of the county's dryness, some details and proper nouns that help
make the argument vivid. It is not a bad effort for an in-class paper, but
it does have a number of faults that point to a general carelessness and
simplification on the part of the writer. The three comma splices are
particularly detrimental to the writer's ethos. According to the ten
instructors, this paper comes close to being a B but averages out to a high C.
Score: 79%